Got me thinking...

May 20, 2010:
31 weeks, 6 days. 32 weeks tomorrow! Big milestone for the boys...as they've had some time to sleep, grow, eat, sleep, grow, and eat, now is the time to get to work! In addition to their growing and sleeping, they will now get to practice their sucking/swallowing responses with me! This follows some of the criteria required to leave the NICU. Other criteria include: maintain temperature, suck/swallow, feed, weigh >1600 grams (4 lbs), and have no problems with reflux.
They are becoming more interactive, waking and fussing before feedings and "cares" i.e. diaper change, assessment, temperature checks. It is so refreshing to see their eyes open for longer periods of time (although they still sleep alot). They are starting to look at objects, not with direct tracking, but looking around and responding to sounds-whistle, lip smacking, etc. I've definitely had a lot of bonding time this week as Kris is gone and I've been in charge. Reading books to them while rocking them, doing kangaroo care, and pushing in their tube feeds fulfills my days with them. Got to bathe both of them this week as well-fully immersed in tubs as their lines were all out. They still have their "spells" with drop in heartrates and oxygen saturation, but seem to easily pull out. It will be interesting to see how they respond when they are off of their oral caffeine that they are given to help stimulate their respiratory drive.

Leaving them I always check their isolettes and sometimes they have their eyes open or partially open and you feel this tug at your heart. I wonder what they are thinking. Do they know their mom is leaving? Is this how parents feel when leaving their children?

Next week I start back at work in four hour shifts, 5 days a week, with the intent to increase to eight hour days. Although I'm not jumping up for joy to go back, I really want to go as this means that I'm not burning through FMLA (as it is currently in effect). I want to make sure that I have ample time with them when they finally do come home from the hospital. Some days I don't want to go back (to work) at all so I can spend every moment with them. Is that a bad thing? I've worked really hard to get my career underway and expensive graduate degree. How could I justify not using it? Sometimes I am wonder if there is something else I could be doing that would give me the flexibility for our new family and not confine me to an office and long commute to work. Is this wishful thinking? I'm not quite sure yet. I love what I do, but is it worth it in the end? To not have those memories and moments with your babies? Do dads understand these feelings? I guess all of this has "got me thinking."....