May 3, 2010:
The weekend is over and reality is striking. I am here in the hospital, everyone else has gone back to their normal working schedule and I am alone. It is part of the process when you are restricted to bedrest IN the hospital.
This weekend was productive for everyone (except for me). My mother in law organized the babies' room and purchased what was still needed on our baby need/want list. Such a big help! Kris and Wayne were able to get down to Illinois to finish with the moving and cleaning of our old place. I'm glad they were able to get some bonding time as Kris probably needed some comic relief and beers with good ol' Wayne!
Not too much has changed here. I struggle with my daily contractions, discomfort, and sheer boredom of lying in bed and staring out a big window which reveals beautiful sunshine.
Yesterday I was finally able to shower, put on real-yes real clothes, and sit in a wheelchair outside in the warm sunshine; I couldn't believe it. Maybe I will get lucky and be able to do more if everything stabilizes here.
I went to bed at nine last night and slept most of the way through minus the five hundred trips to the bathroom. At four in the morning I was somewhat awake and stared out the window wondering why I have to go through this. It seems like after such a stressful year now this thrown my way. It just doesn't seem fair that others get to go through pregnancy without such struggles. I know this is selfish thinking as my situation could be alot worse and there have been plenty of women before me with much more extreme circumstances. I guess I wish Kris and I could get a break every now and then. That's all.
I look to my roommate who is sixteen or seventeen and isn't on bedrest but has a whole other can of worms with her pregnancy and the health of her baby. Her situation isn't great either. I pray for her too as she is young and has her own struggles ahead of her. I've forgiven her for her two and three hour phone conversations with her significant other at midnight, one o clock as she does mumble and I can easily fall asleep (well at least last night I did). Her parents sit with her around the clock and tell her to eat. I think that it must be pretty difficult to be pregnant and not have the support of the father there. I look forward to time with Kris and someone rubbing my belly versus just lying here and having to face pregnancy alone. I don't know how single women do it honestly.
There has been a chaplain who comes by to pray with me and give me communion daily. I think that is so nice. Although it brings me to tears, I know how important it is to have spirituality with your care. It's a great service they offer here to patients.
Well, there's sushine outside; I'm sure it feels nice and warm. I've been listening to Moby this morning while writing this--strikes up all sorts of memories as I always had it on running-something I wish I could be doing right now. Every day I am here I fully understand that the babies are getting bigger and stronger. I really do not want to have to visit them daily in a NICU for months on end. But, I've learned even more from all of this to always take advantage or the opportunities given to you in life. If you can walk, exercise, laugh, get outdoors, enjoy one another's company, pursue dreams, travel-DO IT! Don't make excuses just do it. I don't believe that at this point I can say I haven't accomplished what I've wanted, because I have. I don't have any regrets. I'm not sorry about being pregnant, moving, changing jobs, or being married. Because where would I be without all of this--who knows, but probably not the person I am today.
We all make sacrifices in life. This is one of I'm sure, many to come..................
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Sounds like you're hanging in there ok. Time goes by slowly now, but it is going by, and this will all be over. Those boys are giving you a run for your money. Must be their strategy to make sure you really love them, and will give them lots of hugs and kisses. I thought of you today while I was at Cub with both my boys, thinking soon you, too, will have the challenge of grocery shopping with two kids. Here's a hint: put the food you don't want them to see and beg for underneath the cart. The apple juice (a rare treat in this house) made it all the way home and into the cupboard without Matthew seeing it. Anyway, keep on keeping on.
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