It's just the way love goes

May 12, 2010:
Progress seems to be slow--I know it will be worth the wait.

Ryan and Nathan have overall been doing well. I like to refer to it as "stable." Both boys are on nasal cannula and slowly being titrated down. Their "spells" have decreased, but continue to be monitored as premies will have them according to the neonatologist. Weights slowly--and I mean slowly-increase. Ryan is at 2# 9oz and Nathan 2#6oz. It's almost like you want to cheerlead them on-"grow boys grow!" We have been able to hold them daily with the kangaroo care (up to an hour now). The nurses allow us to participate in diaper duty, temperature checks, and yes--I got to bathe both boys yesterday --sponge baths only as they have their PICC lines in still. I realized wow-these lil guys are so identical, it's really hard to tell them apart! It is already quite obvious who is who with their personalities and Ryan has a microscopic birthmark (won't say where!!) Nathan was diagnosed with an intermittent murmur and an ECHO has ruled out any congenital anomalies (good news). His blood sugars have been elevated and they are trying to find the perfect recipe for his TPN vs rule out a possible infection (less likely on the list, but have to keep as a possibility). Ryan has been pretty quiet, which is ok with me. In between cares, the boys go back to their REM sleep as preemies do at this age. Today, they both had their eyes open for quite a while--they don't track yet, but we're told can see short distance black/white. It melts my heart to see their beautiful eyes open! An opthamologist will see them weekly starting at 32 weeks for eye exams.

Kris and I have been blessed to go to the NICU daily together. It has become part of our daily routine for now, but it will change soon. Kris will be starting his new job (as he is currently transitioning between jobs and fulfilling his military duties as well). I am obviously off from work for a while. Today, I found out was my last paid day. All of my sick and annual leave--gone. Leave without pay-yup, no more pay checks for a while. Kind of nervewracking if you ask me. But, what can I do?

Working as a nurse in a hospital setting is so different from being a patient and/or visiting a patient(s). I feel very lucky to have such wonderful NICU nurses/doctors caring for our boys. It's pretty amazing how at times I feel so helpless with worry. I've learned to shut off the nurse in me while I'm there as it really makes me a quiet wreck. Heart pounding inside, looking for any sort of distress signals from the nurse. For example, yesterday after I bathed Nathan and held him, his temp dropped pretty low. So, he was placed back into his incubator right away. When I bathed Ryan and held him, I was so nervous that his temp was going to drop as well. I had to trust that the nurse was able to gauge when Ryan should be checked and it worked out fine. Today, Nathan's alarms were dinging that he was desating down in the 70's. I calmly walked out of the room and walked back in after a few minutes. I can't panic over such things that I have no control over and the nurse does. Dissociating from this is difficult, but something I have to do to contain my sanity.

Other than that, the days are slowly going by. Some days are better than ever and I can say that I miss them constantly when I'm at home. Pumping in their baby room is very difficult, yet it must be done;I have to face reality. Everyday, I take the elevator up to the 7th floor, I pass the 5th and 6th floors, which are the labor and delivery, postpartum, etc floors. I see happy families, flowers/balloons, moms and their new babies hugging, and it makes me envious. Envious of the fact that we couldn't have that. I know life isn't fair and we are all dealt different cards. I guess it's a matter of how we deal with the situation and grow from it that determines the outcomes. I'm going to remain optimistic as our boys need us and I will do whatever it takes to be there for them and bring them home with us. And that is okay with me. It's just the way love goes............