My First Mother's Day

May 9, 2010:
It has been quite the transition from hospital to home life. My days have been filled to the brim and I've neglected my blogging.
Friday, May 7th, I was discharged from the hospital. I was given the option to go home or stay one more night being that babies were there as well. I really did not want to go home-it had become this safety net (the hospital) taking care of my needs and the babies'. They were close to me, although one elevator ride up. I thought about it and thought about it-my decision was final, I was going home.
Early that morning, Kris and I were sitting in on rounds (which is a daily rounding of physicians in the ICU) where they discuss the babies and upcoming plan of care. As the doctors were babbling away with their medical jargon, I looked at Kris and saw the toll this was taking on him. Here I was stuck in my recovery and focused on the babies. I think Kris took a backseat for a while with me. He looked tired and at a loss with not knowing what to say or do other than be present as the medical language flew over his head. It was a pivotal moment for me in which I realized there was another person involved and I had failed to see it. I have never felt so sad about the way his feelings and needs were forgotten; I will never forget it. It was at that moment that I realized he needed his wife back.
Arrangements were made and I was ready to leave my hospital room. The nursing assistant was pushing my belongings out and asked, "where is your baby?" I almost lost it then and there. I explained to here they were in the NICU and not going home with me. Silence the entire way to the car. Items were packed inside the car, seatbelts were fastened, and off we went. And down the tears fell on my face. I was terrified to leave our babies and drive home without them. Needless to say, it was a rough afternoon0n--especially after walking past and into the babies' room and not pregnant anymore.
I never quite understood the baby blues, but now I do. Mood can change drastically and crying becomes like a light switch-off or on. Not feeling like you want to do anything-and I mean anything and simple tasks become very overwhelming; It is not a great feeling. Looking like crap and feeling like a smile would be the most difficult thing in the world to do become daily realities. It amazes me how Kris can stick by me through these times.
Being a parent and having two babies in the NICU is very trying for any married or nonmarried couple. It's been 5 days (or about a month in your head)and you feel guilty and worried when you are not with them and happy,anxious about this or that alarm, then exhausted when you are. I realize you have to peel yourself away or it burns you out. You have to continue with your life and pick your chin up to carry on because your recovery is important as well,so they will have you at your best when they do come home. Missing them is never going to get any easier until they are finally under the same roof as you. I guess I never realized how instant you love them before and after birth. You are connected from the start.
I could fill you in on all of the pathetic ins and outs of c section recovery with the battle to keep up with pumping, pain with positional changes, swelling all over your body, and when you are so tired and feel like crap. But, that is boring stuff. You want to know about today.
Today was Mother's Day and I was more than excited to see our boys. We had church, then great- grandparents here for lunch and finally to meet them. I dressed up, did my hair and makeup-- don't remember the last time I did that. I guess I felt pretty good and stripped away those blues. With the nurse out of the room, Kris and I were able to hold a baby together and rock/talk to them. I even had the nurse snap a picture as we have yet to have both boys out and together at the same time! It filled my heart with such joy to hold Nathan and watch Kris interact with Ryan. I couldn't get anything better than the memory of us doing that together as a family today. That was the ultimate gift and I pray to God for even more in the future.