Survival Mode.....

Thursday, April 15, 2010:
I have to apologize for not writing yesterday. I was really feeling quite defeated and lousy after such a relaxing night at home! Kris made me an awesome supper and I finally could share a bed with him again! Just being able to hold him and have that companionship back again was surreal. Even if I had to smell his bad breath while he slept! It was nice not to feel so lonely in a hospital room laying there staring out the window with no one around.
As Kris was off to work for the day, I woke with abdominal "pressure" and discomfort. I knew I couldn't blow it off so I called the OB and of course had to go in. My mother offered to come down and help, which was really nice. I drove myself to the OB (as it would take my mom a while to get here) not knowing what was going to happen. Would they readmit me to the hospital--gosh, I had just gotten home. All nerves and concerned about what was going to be found....
I found out my cervical length was unchanged (good news) and the boys' heartrates were good as well. As this was a weigh in day--Twin A came in at 1#12 oz and Twin B 2#3ounces. So, now another thing to watch and worry about--the difference in weights. Hard to say if it is a "trend" or something possibly wrong in there-great. I was placed on toco again-no contractions but uterine irritability. This leaves me with.....the "t- pump" or terbutaline pump at home in addition to the procardia to relax that uterus! I will take it--if I can be home and be miserable fine.
I arrived home after the appointment and was thankful my mother could prepare meals and get me basic things while I stayed on the couch. It seemed every trip to the bathroom or up for something was a major movement. I really wouldn't say I'm a whiner--but yesterday was just a bad day. I was told that this home health nurse would be by with the pump--but never came or called. I really did not want my symptoms to worsen and start those darn contractions and end up at the hospital. The night seemed to slowly progress without problems....maybe I just needed my mother nearby--who knows.
Today things seem to be a lot better. My energy level is definitely improved and all I feel at the moment are those two buggers kicking around in there. I have been able to go the bathroom, shower, and get basic things. Please please stay this way. I'm still waiting for this home nurse to start me on the miserable pump--terbutaline vs magnesium, which is worse...hmmmm that is a toss up as they both suck! Oh well.. it will be what it has to be!
When you lie around all day you think and think and think... Sometimes I wonder--maybe I'm not supposed to be a mom or is there a reason for this? It seems the world of pregnancy is always such a joyous time, I've never really heard of all of this fuss. I suppose I never did work as a nurse in any maternity or baby setting, so of course I would be out of the loop. Sometimes I wonder why me? I know everything happens for a reason and I'm fine with it. Maybe my card was next. I guess this is all part of the process of loneliness and confinement to your home. I wonder if other people think this way. I guess at this point I really pray these babes remain inside to grow and develop into healthy baby boys. Why worry everyday about the unknown, but sometimes you just can't help it. When I first learned I was pregnant, I read everything imaginable online and in books that I think I really started to freak. I decided after a while of worrying and harrassing my lovely NICU nurse friend with question after question that she was either going to stop talking to me or I needed to stop reading. First and foremost as a nurse you see the good and bad... your expecations and understanding of situations are somewhat skewed because you have already seen so much.
I guess now it is time for me to be the patient and lay person. I can control that call light--even if it isn't physically there.